I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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