His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
