your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
