You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
