Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
