He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
