the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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