Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
