Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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