Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
