alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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