I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
