Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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