your parents love me but you hate me
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
