you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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