I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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