its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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