I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
