my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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