yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
