Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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