i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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