She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
