I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
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