I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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