Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
