Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
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