This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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