used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
