They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
