I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Randomize
