Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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