im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
