Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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