3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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