She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
