So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Is it because I queefed?
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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