Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
