Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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