two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
