My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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