There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
