OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
