It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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