Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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