Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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