I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
So squirting runs in the family.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
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