Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
