I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
where are you?
Hypothermia
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
