You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
